Perfidious Thoughts

Partial Consciousness

I feel their darkness
gradually permeate
I become like an insect
captured in a palm of a monster

In a corner
they stood
facing the wall
I don’t have to see their faces
to feel the apprehension
generated by their stillness

I heard the world around me
shaking and thumping
but there was nothing

I tell myself that
nothing can harm me
for as long as I am
in the light of God

I believe in God’s protection
He has power over all
In a single thought
if he wishes it to go
it will go

deep in my belief
no matter how strong
here under his angel’s wings
I feel the presence
of the shadow
All around me was darkness
that sends me back
to disorder
I strayed from his path
I could not return

The shadows have smelled my fear
their assembly follows
there is a door but
anxiety overrules me

I walk far from it
past every corner
but still I could
hear the Devil’s footsteps
drawing near

[11 September 2017]



1 (“Higher”)
I pride myself
in meaningless numbers
I rise
When others sink
I achieve
all they couldn’t

2 (“A Minor Setback”)
Ephemeral and abrupt
Progress came to a halt
Emotions erupt
transforming self-reliance
into self-repugnance

As I see
there is nothing left to gain
I became
afraid of who I was
Drenched in shame
I turned into them
a being without a name

3 (“Longevity”)
The hums of machines
Its purrs so deep
it sings me to sleep
But in every slumber
a permanent unease

The sound of warplanes
unfeeling and everlasting
taking me back
to every battle fought
to every battle lost

The pieces of me
scattered in the ocean
some washed ashore
I picked up what I could
All diamond and gold
in my hands
they turn into coal

[29 August 2017]


Sometimes I Wish I were Him

I envisioned myself
with all I wanted
if every dream I had
were to come true

This face that smiles
this heart that loves
this mind with ambition

He represents my dreams
allegiance to my foes
indifference to my fears
insensitivity to my feelings

If this is perfection
I would hate this man
If this is the right choice
I would hate this man
I hate this man

Love him, accept him
this man I’m not
this man I could’ve been

Though I know
joy’s an illusion
sometimes I wish I were him
But It’s better not to dream
or to think
to simply lie down

Does he know
what it feels like
to simply wait
and be tortured
by time alone?

With the ways of reality
something has to turn
for the worst
and as with everything
this dream and I
could never be loved



It’s been here for so long
I think it’s safe now
To slowly let it go


Too many memories
Attached to one feeling
Don’t you understand?
I notice everything


 I fantasize the end
For too many times
I sometimes think
It’s already done


There was a loud sound
An instant pain
I saw it happen
But they held it back again


If it isn’t true
Why does it remain?


I walk past it all
So far and so bravely
Only to see that
I never left my place


It’s disappointing
To think you’ve succeeded
When you’ve only
Gone further back
To where it all began

I Belong in Another World


I belong in another world
Born at the wrong time
At the wrong place
On an alien planet
Called Earth

I try to witness
The millions of stars
From here down below
But all beauty is corrupted
And had there been
Any still untouched
I could not feel a connection

Every kindness around me
Every cruelty I endure
There should be emotions
But I feel none

This isn’t the planet
I call home
Green turned grey
Joy turned empty
Heart turned stone
The endless monotone scenery
Nothing spared from greed
Whatever love there may have been
All long gone now

I never got the chance
To feel

I want to leave this place
But where can I go?
No planet in the entire universe
Could fulfil my dreams
Of belonging




I knew it was time
The destination was within sight
But I couldn’t arrive

It ties me down
To a constant state
of despair and rage
Memories eclipsed any joy
I could have felt

I let it destroy myself
Yet reconstruct
the lives of others
For an irreparable past

Frustration, satisfaction
Desire, disgust
Unable to be discerned



I am unable to connect. The system is not built for such a purpose. How do the many others smile and laugh? How do they touch and feel? Suffering upon suffering, I amount to nothing, only able to recall undesirable memories with absolute precision. It’s always on repeat in my mind, a flawless machine never worn out. Every occurrence that is meant to be a mark of accomplishment will always remind me of the failure that is. Every event that is to bring happiness ends up being the most traumatic experience yet. I extrapolate my future with the knowledge that I have. Without the slightest attempt at shaping it, it unravels itself. A formless creature of despondency. But the worst part of all is to grow numb to all of it, unfazed by the sadness of existence.