He’d blend in with the rest on the city streets. Another faceless man to walk by, plain and fatigued.
He is lost in the thoughts of a childhood he never experienced. Everything was better because it never happened. Every success praised, every failure comforted. The young child is inspired and full of dreams. In his eyes not a hint of distress and the only tears he shed were tears of happiness. He is among friends, unaware of what solitude felt. He would go on exceeding expectations and live every day of enjoyment. Birthdays are celebrated. Smiles and laughter. They all love him. He could feel.
His only wish was for it to be… but it’s only better because it never happened. He sits alone now, holding his knees and staring at the vacant space of the suffocating room. He is the child of dreams, he is the man of delusions. How pathetic it is, to be killed by memories of a fictional past. So, selfishly consider that his pain is nothing compared to others’.
– 17 March 2017
And that is bad. I will continue to update this as much as I can.
I am now half- way through my final semester and that is the reason for my absence.
We are preparing for a little “student exhibition” to sort of wrap up the entire course.
As mentioned way back, my idea for the exhibition is based on executions.
To unite my classmate and I’s work (since the 2 of us will exhibit our works together), we came up with an exhibition name… “Aether”. What does it mean??? More commonly spelled as “ether”, it can be the skies, or that chemical compound you might have came across in chemistry, or perhaps something far beyond…
Aaaah, I won’t disclose too much on this. But I will definitely upload the e-catalogue once it’s ready. So, stay tuned.
In the mean time, here’s a little sneak peak to my new artwork:
As part of school and graduation requirements, I have to make a lot of artworks all in “more effort”, large scale, details, meaning, whatever.
(To me: size of artwork denotes neither effort nor worth. I work in small size to “enhance” the futility of life.)
We’re allowed to choose any topics and medium so, long story short– I’m doing a topic on Executions. That’s right, death penalty. Yes, to be direct: I agree to it but I don’t expect people to agree with what I agree with. Despite the lack of evidence that death penalty indeed helps to deter people from committing crimes, I’m still with the idea because it allows the criminals to “pay” for their crimes. Having killed someone yet the killer remains alive (though in prison) is hardly fair. “An eye for an eye”. If it was something they didn’t want to be penalised, then they shouldn’t have done so in the first place.
In the Liya Perfidious view, executions hold a greater meaning. I won’t reveal what it is yet though.
I was initially inspired to do this topic as part of a joke. Notice how when talking about art, people refer to the way someone paints or sculpts, as “execution”? Like: “The execution of the painting is well done”. Well, I wanted to take that pun to another level.
That, and Tono Atsukyo.
He is a character from the Prince of Tennis and is obsessed with violence and has his tennis moves derived from execution methods. Funny how my inspirations come from such different things.
Moving on to the… as people would call it… “art” aspects. These are the 2 artworks I’ve done last semester:
And this one, I am currently working on:
I admit that I am not proud of my first 2 works of the series. I felt I can do better. The 3rd one in progress seems to be quite promising, but I don’t want to hope because to hope is dangerous and capable of destroying myself.
I wanted it to be a series I could spiritually connect to and the outcome to be satisfactory. However, throughout the last semester, I was battling with my emotions, anhedonia and the loss of all hope. It enraged me so much that my teachers had said that in such “strong emotions”, artists should be able to create great expressive artwork. While that might be true for some, it isn’t for me. When I experience my “low moods”, I lose the ability to function adequately. Speech, thoughts, actions are all blurry and the sense of depersonalisation heightens. For the moment, I only tell myself that in 2 semesters I will be done here, make it good make it count, suffer now so that I can get my freedom afterwards.
I found another “temporary cure” to my problem though. It is to re-live past experiences which once brought me joy. So I decided to watch some videos I watched in my high school times… like CrashCourse! I mentioned that I had the ambition of being a psychiatrist in an earlier post. What if I immortalise that dream? What if I pretended I was still headed in that direction? That, … yes… It gives me an “illusion” of happiness. At least I think this is happiness. I haven’t felt that emotion in years. As such, I allocate some time to stop doing art and read/watch random things. As they say “pointless knowledge”.
Back to talking about executions: The execution methods in the series would be: Gas chamber, lethal injection, guillotine, electric chair, dismemberment, firing squad, hanging and others. I may or may not do all of these, depending on inspiration, mood and time. There will definitely be one final execution, a method I came up on my own… as the most “effective” one. I will say no more.
Now that I’ve talked about the present, later on I’ll mention the earlier parts of my college life.