despair

Interruption

1 (“Higher”)
I pride myself
in meaningless numbers
I rise
When others sink
I achieve
all they couldn’t

2 (“A Minor Setback”)
Ephemeral and abrupt
Progress came to a halt
Emotions erupt
transforming self-reliance
into self-repugnance

As I see
there is nothing left to gain
I became
afraid of who I was
Drenched in shame
I turned into them
a being without a name

3 (“Longevity”)
The hums of machines
Its purrs so deep
it sings me to sleep
But in every slumber
underlies
a permanent unease

The sound of warplanes
unfeeling and everlasting
taking me back
to every battle fought
to every battle lost

The pieces of me
scattered in the ocean
some washed ashore
I picked up what I could
All diamond and gold
in my hands
they turn into coal

[29 August 2017]

 

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Sometimes I Wish I were Him

I envisioned myself
with all I wanted
if every dream I had
were to come true

This face that smiles
this heart that loves
this mind with ambition

He represents my dreams
allegiance to my foes
indifference to my fears
insensitivity to my feelings

If this is perfection
I would hate this man
If this is the right choice
I would hate this man
I hate this man
already

Love him, accept him
this man I’m not
this man I could’ve been

Though I know
joy’s an illusion
sometimes I wish I were him
But It’s better not to dream
or to think
to simply lie down
unchanged

Does he know
what it feels like
to simply wait
and be tortured
by time alone?

With the ways of reality
something has to turn
for the worst
and as with everything
this dream and I
could never be loved
.
.
.

Chasm

Chasm

It’s been here for so long
I think it’s safe now
To slowly let it go

 

Too many memories
Attached to one feeling
Don’t you understand?
I notice everything

 

 I fantasize the end
For too many times
I sometimes think
It’s already done

 

There was a loud sound
An instant pain
I saw it happen
But they held it back again

 

If it isn’t true
Why does it remain?

 

I walk past it all
So far and so bravely
Only to see that
I never left my place

 

It’s disappointing
To think you’ve succeeded
When you’ve only
Gone further back
To where it all began
.
.
.

Nightside

Nightside

I knew it was time
The destination was within sight
But I couldn’t arrive

It ties me down
To a constant state
of despair and rage
Memories eclipsed any joy
I could have felt

I let it destroy myself
Yet reconstruct
the lives of others
Atonement
For an irreparable past

Frustration, satisfaction
Desire, disgust
Unable to be discerned
.
.
.

Burnt Out

He’d blend in with the rest on the city streets. Another faceless man to walk by, plain and fatigued.

He is lost in the thoughts of a childhood he never experienced. Everything was better because it never happened. Every success praised, every failure comforted. The young child is inspired and full of dreams. In his eyes not a hint of distress and the only tears he shed were tears of happiness. He is among friends, unaware of what solitude felt. He would go on exceeding expectations and live every day of enjoyment. Birthdays are celebrated. Smiles and laughter. They all love him. He could feel.

His only wish was for it to be… but it’s only better because it never happened. He sits alone now, holding his knees and staring at the vacant space of the suffocating room. He is the child of dreams, he is the man of delusions. How pathetic it is, to be killed by memories of a fictional past. So, selfishly consider that his pain is nothing compared to others’.

– 17 March 2017