poetry

Chasm

Chasm

It’s been here for so long
I think it’s safe now
To slowly let it go

 

Too many memories
Attached to one feeling
Don’t you understand?
I notice everything

 

 I fantasize the end
For too many times
I sometimes think
It’s already done

 

There was a loud sound
An instant pain
I saw it happen
But they held it back again

 

If it isn’t true
Why does it remain?

 

I walk past it all
So far and so bravely
Only to see that
I never left my place

 

It’s disappointing
To think you’ve succeeded
When you’ve only
Gone further back
To where it all began
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I Belong in Another World

i_belong_in_another_world_by_liyaperfidious-dbe6rjh

I belong in another world
Born at the wrong time
At the wrong place
On an alien planet
Called Earth

I try to witness
The millions of stars
From here down below
But all beauty is corrupted
And had there been
Any still untouched
Pure
I could not feel a connection

Every kindness around me
Every cruelty I endure
There should be emotions
But I feel none

This isn’t the planet
I call home
Green turned grey
Joy turned empty
Heart turned stone
The endless monotone scenery
Nothing spared from greed
Whatever love there may have been
All long gone now

I never got the chance
To feel

I want to leave this place
But where can I go?
No planet in the entire universe
Could fulfil my dreams
Of belonging

 

Diagrams

d1d2d3

Idk when these are from. I’m assuming April?

So these are meant to be the prototypes of a new series I had planned. They are automatic writings and drawings based on things I was reading at the time as well as my own immediate thoughts. I wanted to transform them into a more finished work. Unfortunately, I have no motivation to do it anymore.

Drawn using white pen on black (Daiso book) paper.
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Nightside

Nightside

I knew it was time
The destination was within sight
But I couldn’t arrive

It ties me down
To a constant state
of despair and rage
Memories eclipsed any joy
I could have felt

I let it destroy myself
Yet reconstruct
the lives of others
Atonement
For an irreparable past

Frustration, satisfaction
Desire, disgust
Unable to be discerned
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Irrelevant

a

I am unable to connect. The system is not built for such a purpose. How do the many others smile and laugh? How do they touch and feel? Suffering upon suffering, I amount to nothing, only able to recall undesirable memories with absolute precision. It’s always on repeat in my mind, a flawless machine never worn out. Every occurrence that is meant to be a mark of accomplishment will always remind me of the failure that is. Every event that is to bring happiness ends up being the most traumatic experience yet. I extrapolate my future with the knowledge that I have. Without the slightest attempt at shaping it, it unravels itself. A formless creature of despondency. But the worst part of all is to grow numb to all of it, unfazed by the sadness of existence.

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Burnt Out

He’d blend in with the rest on the city streets. Another faceless man to walk by, plain and fatigued.

He is lost in the thoughts of a childhood he never experienced. Everything was better because it never happened. Every success praised, every failure comforted. The young child is inspired and full of dreams. In his eyes not a hint of distress and the only tears he shed were tears of happiness. He is among friends, unaware of what solitude felt. He would go on exceeding expectations and live every day of enjoyment. Birthdays are celebrated. Smiles and laughter. They all love him. He could feel.

His only wish was for it to be… but it’s only better because it never happened. He sits alone now, holding his knees and staring at the vacant space of the suffocating room. He is the child of dreams, he is the man of delusions. How pathetic it is, to be killed by memories of a fictional past. So, selfishly consider that his pain is nothing compared to others’.

– 17 March 2017